I paid a comedian on Fiverr to write jokes about mortgages

I paid a comedian on Fiverr to write jokes about mortgages. This is how it went…

12th February 2023. The information within was correct at the time of publication but is subject to change.

Apparently the world is about to collapse and therefore surely nobody would want to buy a place to live. Well they do. So much so January 2023 was my second busiest month on record. It’s been a bit too busy in all honesty and I’ve not had time to relax. I needed a laugh. So what better way than to pay a comedian on Fiverr to write jokes about my favourite subject: mortgages.

They’re a bit hit and miss and it’s not the best £91.61 I’ve ever spent, but it’s a pretty dry subject.

1. Why are houses in the swamp so expensive? They’re leech-front property.

Followed by a quick ba-dum, chhhh I think this would make me smile. 5/10

2. My Wife left me out of nowhere so I stopped paying my mortgage. I don’t know why, I guess I was looking foreclosure.

A very clever play on words. The comedian I hired is American so I knew there was a risk of Americanisms. I say this as we don’t really have foreclosure in the UK but I think most people would get the premise. 8/10

3. I tried to get a loan from the bank to build a business for me and my lawyer friends. The underwriter approved it, he said the plan seemed firm.

A nice little play on words again. 5/10

4. I don’t like doing business with millennials. When I ask them if they have a down payment they always tell me they’re “down to make some payments.”

I think this one’s a stretch. I could imagine a cringey older guy saying it thinking he’s cool. 3/10

5. You know you’re ready to get yourself a mortgage when you and your land lady keep getting into it. I mean, my mom hates it when I call her that.

I laughed out loud at this one. Didn’t see the twist coming. 9/10

6. The other day someone asked me if I had any low interest loans. I said “Yeah, I guess”.

Probably works better in person than read in your head as it needs the right delivery. 6/10

7. There was a fight at the pub the other day and the bartender yelled “Are there any officers here?”. I stood up, “Rates are low, how can I help?”

I think this is a play on police officer and loan officer. Loan officer is what they call mortgage brokers in the US, I think. I don’t think it translates well. 4/10

8. I went to the bakery the other day and bought a muffin for £3.50. When I was checking out, it was £4.00. Rates are increasing quickly these days.

9. I never understood housewarming parties, I mean my place came with a radiator.

Another decent quality dad joke. 6/10

10. Someone asked me how it felt to be a home owner. I said I don’t know, ask me in 420 payments

A reference to how long it takes to fully repay a 35 year mortgage. Gone are the days when 25 years was the norm. 5/10


Now I only paid for 10 jokes so let’s consider everything past here a bonus joke

11. You know delivery fees are getting expensive when mortgages look affordable!

Uber Eats does try and charge me £4.29 to have my favourite burrito delivered so he’s got a point. 2/10

12. My friend is really broke right now, so he’s in the market for a nice place without a down payment, or any payments hopefully.

Ok. 3/10

13. It’s hard to explain to my grandfather why I don’t own a home yet, mainly because the houses I want to buy are 6 figures and the house he bought was 6 pounds.

I think this one falls into the sad but true category. 4/10

14. What did the ex mortgage broker turned burglar say when he got caught in someone else’s home? “I’m sorry, I thought this was the Open House.”

Maybe we should have stopped at 10? 3/10

15. Who’s a mortgage broker's favourite TV character? Home-r Simpson.

We certainly should have stopped at 14. Doh! 2/10

16. My grandfather was a forceful estate agent, he put everyone we knew in their place.

Whey. At least we get to finish on a high. 7/10

So there we have it. At £5.73 per joke and scoring 74 out of 160, or 46%, think it’s safe to say we won’t be seeing mortgages feature in many comedian’s sets in the near future. Still, it brought a moment of joy to me and I hope it did to you too.  

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